Skill: Say what you feel

Once we went on a hike and I was pretty excited that we had brought milk to complement the donuts we packed as a special treat. I really love having milk with a sweet baked good. We only had enough milk for one cup per person. Here's what happened.

Darwin (6 at the time) reached over me and spilled my whole cup of milk on the table and my leg.
Mommy: "Darwin, I'm really sad about that."
Darwin: "It was an accident."
Mommy: "I know it was an accident. I'm still really sad about it."
Without another word, in about five seconds he was pouring more than half of his milk into my cup.  
Sometimes saying how you feel is enough to inspire a child to do the right thing.

Hello Friends, 

Here is a story from my family to illustrate how not only do you not always need to fix, convince, explain, or argue, but sometimes empathy and connection really are enough to inspire a child to do what you expect of them. Many of us are still home with children, but daycares and camps are opening up, so I thought I'd share a story from some years back about trying to get out the door for preschool.

Soon after one of my sons turned 4, there was a week when he was away from both parents a lot more than normal because of our work and travel. The first morning things were back to normal, he woke up (wet from pee by the way) and said he didn’t want to go to school. I did NOT say anything about him needing to go school, choosing instead to give him a little space until I could really empathize with him ("Connect before you Correct," as Laura Markham says). After getting him out of his wet clothes and cleaning him up, our interaction went something like this, with S being my son and M being me (Mommy).

S – How about today I don’t go to school? Maybe I’m not feeling well.
M – So you’re not feeling like going to school today?
S – That’s right. I just want to stay home today and be with you and [other son].
M – I see.
S – Yeah, I’m not going to school today.
M – Has it been hard being away from me so much this week?
S – (nods)
M - You went to school every day and you didn’t even see me before bed last night. I know I missed you a LOT. Did you miss me?
S – Yes.
M – Boy, I missed you so much. I am so happy to see you right now. I just want to squeeze you and sqoosh you in a giant hug. Is that okay?
S – No. (a bit standing off from me, not looking me right in the eye – a bit protective I think – maybe trying to hide the feelings so he didn't have to be vulnerable)... 
M – Oh. Can I kiss your elbow?
S – (smiling a bit now) No!
M – PLEASE!!! (pretend whiny) But I really really really really want to!!
S – Sorry! (Smiling)
M – Well can I give you a smoodge then? (This is an unidentified term I made up at some point for some kind of affection that’s not a hug or kiss)
S – No!
M – Well then I have to do this… (I crept up to him and quickly, gently nuzzled his belly since he was smiling at me as I approached)
S – No! You can’t! (really smiling big now - wanting connection)
M – Can I help you put your clothes on just like when you were little?
S – Ok.
I put his shirt over his head and helped him step into one of his pant legs. He did the rest.
M – Well, if I can’t hug or kiss you, can I carry you down the stairs? That way I can steal a snuggle!
S – No! You can’t steal a snuggle because I’m lending it to you on purpose!
M – (He held his arms out for me to hold him. I nuzzled his neck) – Oh thank you! I really appreciate it. I missed you so much I really needed a good snuggle with you.
(After we got downstairs…)
M – Do you want to eat some oatmeal first or put your shoes and socks on first?
S – Oatmeal!!

He made no more mention of not going to school. No more resistance of any kind for the rest of the morning. Easy school drop off.  Voila – empathy and connection completely melted the resistance.  Is it always this picture perfect? In my house yes… (ha ha just kidding!). Of course not. But sometimes it is, thanks to these skills. Boy am I glad I knew I didn’t need to argue with him that morning about why he “had” to go to school.

​A follow up to this story is that another one of my sons (I have 3) went through something similar at age four, except that while my son in the story above was soothed fairly quickly with empathy and connection, my other child needed to cry and be listened to in his tears before he was able to transition his mindset. Though it took longer, I still think the same approach is what ultimately worked – acknowledging feelings for a while before using choices to make a point of what I expected him to do.

If you have a child who has bigger feelings, or whose feelings seem to need more time to express, it can help to plan for it when possible. One thing I did for mornings for a long time with the child who tended to have big feelings about the impending separation of going to school, besides doing as much night before school prep as possible, was I would plan for 10 minutes of play or reading time together at school drop off, so that there would be a 10 minute cushion of time in case he had feelings to process in the morning.

The 10 minutes of playtime at drop off also worked as an incentive built into the routine (not a bribe!) to help him get out the door more quickly. I know that this particular strategy is not available to every family, and that lots of us aren't going places right now. But once school becomes a thing again, if getting out the door is a challenge in your home, it is worth considering if there can be something to look forward to after getting out the door. It might even help make the getting ready part faster!
​
With joy, 
Cynthia
positiveparentingboston.com

In life, when we have a problem, we think about what we want to be different, come up with potential solutions, and then choose our course of action. Unfortunately, when it comes to parenting (and marriage, friendship, work, and society...) most problems involve other people, yet we are not in the habit of solving them together. For instance, as parents, we often go through the problem solving process alone, and then expect our child to join us in the solution we already came up with. Sometimes it works, but often the child has determined what he or she thinks is the best solution, and it doesn’t jive with our plan, so we end up with a power struggle and a problem that still hasn’t been solved. 

In contrast, cooperative problem solving means that when you identify a problem, you assume the solution will come out of (1) being curious about your child’s concerns, (2) telling your concerns to your child, and (3) together brainstorming solutions that will work for both of you. This approach is the foundation of my parenting philosophy because it works better than top down discipline to help children do what's expected of them; it works to build a trusting and mutually supportive relationship between adult and child; and it empowers children to develop the personal skills and strategies they need in order to be successful throughout their life. Cooperative problem solving can take many different forms, so it can help families with children of all ages and personalities. 

Try inviting your child to help you solve a problem in the moment a problem is happening: 

• I see two kids and only one blue truck. What do we do in a case like that?
  
• I’m a dad whose only clean bowls this morning are small, and you’re a daughter who only likes to eat cereal from big bowls. How can we solve this problem?
  
• There’s clean laundry all over your bed, and you don’t want to put it away. What do we do in a case like this? (You never know - your child may surprise you. My son recently responded to this type of question by saying his Lego guys would do it, and then the Lego guys did do it, if you know what I mean.)
  

​Brainstorming ideas during an advance problem solving conversation.

Advance (not in the heat of the moment) problem solving is a bit more involved, but is an essential skill to learn if you are parenting verbal children and teens. What you do is find a calm moment when there's no active problem to invite your child to help you solve an ongoing challenge such as: 

• It's hard to stay focused during homework writing assignments
• It's hard to respect a sibling’s space while they’re reading
• It's hard to clean up after Lego play
• It's hard turn off a video game before dinner
• It's hard to come home in time for curfew

Learning to problem solve with your children can take some time and effort, but it will change your life. You don’t need to worry if you’ve been doing things “right” so far, or even if you understand “the right” way to do things because you can continue to bring in new ideas and learn as you go. If you’re raising your child with someone else, the two of you don’t even need to have a “united front” on the best approach to solving a particular problem your child is having.

When you take on cooperative problem solving as a way of life in your family, addressing an unmet expectation or other problem is just a matter of you and your child using a proven structure that will help you figure out a solution that will work for all of you. Once problem solving becomes your go-to approach with your kids, it will also find its way into your other relationships - spouse, siblings, colleagues. It works so well that instead of feeling fear when you find yourself in conflict, or notice your child really struggling, you feel confidence - this is painful right now, but we have a process that will lead us to a mutually satisfactory solution.

In my nine-session, small group Zoom parenting series, we cover a wide variety of relationship based parenting strategies, but developing proficiency in problem solving with your children is a link that runs throughout the program. We watch and read examples, practice the different steps, and learn how to overcome common pitfalls and obstacles. The class is capped at 10 participants and there are only 2 spots left in the 2020-2021 series as of this post. Register now! Feel free to contact me with any questions.  

Warmly, 
​
Cynthia Kriegman

P.S. There are some great books out there on problem solving with children - my favorite authors on the subject are Stuart Ablon, Ross Greene, Faber & Mazlish and Mazlish & King.

Here I’m going to talk about some ways to work with your children in the context of COVID-19, but these techniques may also be useful in helping a child through other difficult times. 

As parents and caregivers, we need to keep our children safe, but we can also strive to help them...

1. Feel their strong emotions 
2. Stay open and curious so they can learn about current reality 
3. Imagine a less scary future
4. Find their voice so they can feel agency in building that future

How?

One way is through story. 

I recently received the following message from a mom: 

Last night my 5 year old asked us if, when he starts kindergarten in the fall, he’ll be able to hold his friends’ hands again. He was pretty upset about it. Then he had a nightmare last night that he started kindergarten and the teacher told all the kids they had to stay away from each other.

After learning that this child loves drawing and making books, here is what I suggested she say to her son: 
​
Would you like to make a book with me that has a sad part about kids not getting to hold hands because everyone is trying to stay safe from a virus? But then in the end of the book there’s also a really happy part when no one is afraid anymore and they can hold hands again? 

The mom liked the idea, so I gave her the following additional pointers: 

• Guide your son to make up the characters (animals or any unusual creatures are fine), the setting (it can be another planet even), and some details about the virus (silly name and features are great).
• The goal is that he use the characters in the story to (1) express his feelings about the current situation and (2) creatively imagine a less scary future.
• The details don’t matter so long as he feels in charge of the story and he’s engaging with the issue he’s concerned about.

Dear Friends,
I hope this email finds you safe and well, though I know it may not, given these uncertain times.

I have news to share. First, here's a photo of Darwin and Forest, along with their younger brother, my third son, Luca. He's nearly 11 months old and the sibling crew is doing great.

I was also on TV last week giving parenting tips!

Finally, I've scheduled some Zoom classes. Instead of the traditional eight session How to Talk So Kids Will Listen series, I will be offering the same content in three distinct modules of three meetings each. I am also offering a separate module specifically focused on implementing the collaborative problem solving process with your children. Check it all out at positiveparentingboston.com.

​Let me know how you're doing too!

All best, 
​Cynthia

How can parents set effective limits on unacceptable behavior?
 
One strategy we use in our family when one child has hurt another with their body or strong hurting words (like “I hate you” or “You’re not my brother”) is called “calm, practice, repair.”
 
Step 1: Calm: get yourself calm so you can think.
Step 2: Practice: reflect on what you did that was hurtful, what you were hoping to achieve, and practice another way of getting your needs met without hurting the other person.
Step 3: Repair: repair the relationship with the person you hurt – find a way to make them feel better or reestablish the connection between the two of you.
 
For a long time, an adult was always required to coach the children through the process, but now that my kids have internalized this conflict resolution strategy, sometimes they do it on their own. Here’s what it sounded like from the next room the first time I heard my kids doing “calm, practice, repair” independently. Forest was 4.5 and Darwin had just turned 7.
 
Darwin : Ow! You hurt my toe!
...thud...
Forest: Ow, you kicked me!
Forest: Okay, fine I'll do it first.
Darwin: Do what?
Forest: Calm, practice, repair.
Darwin: Okay.
...silence...
Forest: Now I’m calm.
Darwin: Well, why did you hurt my toe?
Forest: Because I didn't want to play PJ Masks anymore.
Darwin: Okay, well you can just say, ‘I don't want to play this anymore.’
Forest: Okay, next time I'll say, ‘I don't want to play this anymore.’ Okay now, what I can do to repair?
Darwin: Never do that again!!!
Forest: Okay.
Darwin: No wait, I want you to play with me. That will make me feel better.
Forest: Okay, what should we play?
Darwin: Let’s build Legos.
Forest: Yes!
 
Sounds unbelievable right? Even as I was listening in, I was amazed (which is why I quickly wrote it down). Does this happen every time? Of course not - we are all still practicing and learning. 

Last year, both kids and I were chatting during pre-bed snuggle time. The subject of some kids at school hitting came up. Afterward, Darwin shared, “Remember when Forest used to hit a lot?” Forest responded, “Yeah, but then Mommy taught me the three steps and I stopped.”
 
As Forest attests, “calm, practice, repair,” can be an effective routine to stop a pattern of hurting behavior. It helps kids learn to regulate emotions, make amends, reflect on past behavior, and brainstorm alternative strategies for the future.
 
Do my kids stay calm and talk things out?
Often but not always.
Do I remember to use my skills in the right way at the right time?
Often but not always.

Yet there is no faster way to become a more effective communicator and parent than learning and practicing proven skills, especially when you are doing it in the context of a supportive group of others who are working toward the same goals. If this sounds like something you're after, know there are still a few spots left in both of my upcoming parenting classes. Details below.

Warmly,
Cynthia

We parents typically don’t realize how often we respond to our children’s negative feelings with reassurance, advice, and rejection or denial of feelings.
 
You’re okay!
But you love school!
Go to your room until you can calm down.
 
Instead we can reflect back to our children the feelings and desires we hear them expressing.
 
Ouch. A scraped knee can really hurt.
It sounds like you’re not feeling like going to school right now.
Are you worried about the flu shot?
 
There are many benefits to empathizing regularly with our children, such as helping them to feel heard and understood, which allows them have a deeper trust in you and also helps them move on from emotional upset to being able to make effective choices. Just as importantly, when we reflect our children’s feelings back to them instead of automatically giving them advice, reassurance, or our own frustration, they learn that describing feelings is an important part of being in relationship with other people. Even more wonderful, they learn to empathize with other people.
 
One of my favorite family stories shows how all the empathizing I did with my children starting before they could even talk really paid off in their relationship with each other. Darwin and Forest are seven and almost five now, but imagine a few years back, four year Darwin and two year old Forest have just been tucked into bed.
 
“Good night, Darwin and Forest. We’ll check on you in five minutes.”
 
Our dog Chana is barking downstairs. Through the monitor I hear this conversation:
 
Forest: “Mine dog bahking!”
Darwin: “Chana’s barking!”
 
These sentences were repeated several times, with increasing enthusiasm. Forest got so excited that by the 4th or 5th repetition he was really shouting.
 
Darwin: “You don’t have to yell.”
Forest: “Hear me.”
A moment of quiet.
Forest, still yelling: “MINE DOG BAHKING!”
Darwin: “Stop saying that.”
Forest: “MINE DOG BAHKING!”
Darwin, yelling too now: “STOP SAYING THAT!”
 
Now Forest’s voice came back to a normal level.
Forest: “Me sad stop saying that. Me so sad.”
Darwin: “Are you sad because Chana is barking or because I said, ‘Stop saying that?’”
Forest: “Me sad ‘Stop saying that.’”
Darwin: “So you’re sad because I said, ‘Stop saying that?’”
Forest: “Yeah.”
Darwin: “Oh.”
 
Both kids got quiet. Forest rolled over in bed. Two minutes later he let out one final, gentle voiced, “Mine dog bahking.”
 
I adore this story because it shows how Forest, at age two, already knew to say his feelings when having a conflict with his brother. Darwin, at age four, already knew to empathize and also clarify his understanding by reflecting Forest’s comments back to him. Both children seemed to hear each other and be able to peacefully move on from the conflict. These are skills that adults often struggle to use even with each other. I was so excited that I quickly wrote down their conversation on a scrap of paper. It helps me to have a reminder that the effort I put into how I talk to my kids really does pay off.

Are you tired of the bickering and hitting, and ready to stop your own yelling, punishing, and taking sides? Siblings Without Rivalry is an eight class parenting series that will help you reduce conflict and generate goodwill among all your children. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is appropriate for parents of single or multiple children. 

A good first step is often to just stay close and observe, ready to intervene more if you think they need your support. Sometimes just the positive presence of a parent or caring adult can inspire kids to listen more and work towards a win-win solution.

You can also try sportscasting, in which you announce a play by play of what’s happening. In my experience, this works exceedingly well for helping toddlers step back and see their conflict from a broader perspective. It can help older kids too, though sometimes they may be annoyed at being spoken about in the third person when they are in the midst of a conflict they care about.

My go to strategy for supporting kids in a verbal disagreement is to do what I do when I am acting as a mediator for adult conflicts: Directly acknowledge each person’s perspective until they can begin to hear one another and start to consider what they want to do going forward. 

On this particular day, I started by observing my kids, but determined relatively quickly that they would benefit from a more active intervention, as I had already seen them have this same disagreement about the newness (or not newness) of these shoes at least one other time. I also noted that they were repeating their words back and forth, and each child’s volume was raising with every utterance, so it didn’t seem like they were headed towards mutual understanding on their own.

I gently, but confidently looked at Darwin, and asked him, “So, Darwin, from your point of view, the shoes definitely still feel new after having them for a month. Is that right?” Both boys got quiet and looked at me. Darwin let out a relieved breath and nodded his head. I turned to look at Forest, and with open hands and an almost smile said to him, “And from your perspective, Forest, having something for a month means it’s really not new anymore.” Forest glanced at Darwin and then looked back at me. “Yeah,” he said emphatically.

It is important to address the person whose perspective you are describing instead of addressing one child and telling him about the other. “Do you feel…?” offers a great deal more respect than, “He feels…”, in part because it invites your child to correct you if your guess is off. In addition, when I say, “Forest, from your point of view the shoes are not new,” it's easier for Darwin to consider Forest's perspective than if I were to say, “Darwin, Forest thinks the shoes are not new,” because there is no pressure on Darwin to accept or understand anything. He can simply be a witness to me acknowledging Forest, and consider for himself what things might be like for his brother.​

Acknowledging their different opinions helped them pause for a moment, but they still weren’t ready to think deeply about what the other was saying. They went back to arguing with heated voices.

Forest said, “So! They’re not new because they’re already a month old!”
“They are new!”
“No, they’re not!”
“Yes, they are!”

At this point I walked over and sat next to them on the floor. Right at their level now, my goal was to project confidence and friendliness as I looked at their faces and repeated the affirmations of each child’s perspective one or two more times. Each time I did, I received head nods or "Yes!" They gradually slowed down and lowered their voices, looking at me and at each other.

Darwin seemed to really be thinking now, and added, “Well, they’re not brand new if you’ve had them for a month.” I reflected this back to him, partly so he knew he was being heard, and partly because I knew that hearing Darwin’s idea in my voice might help Forest process it more easily. I continued to speak to Darwin about Darwin’s idea.

I said, “Aah – so Darwin you’re saying that new can mean a month, and brand new can mean…?” I paused, leaving the question hanging in the air. Forest’s eyes got bright, and he smiled as he finished my sentence.
“… Just a few days!” From here the conversation began to feel like grown up collaborators on a team project, as Darwin piggybacked on Forest’s idea with, “Yeah! Brand new is like you just got them yesterday.”
Forest summarized, “Yeah, yesterday or just a few days ago if they’re brand new.”
And Darwin concluded, looking at Forest with a smile, “And just new if you’ve had them for a month!”
I checked in. “Did you guys figure it out?”
“Yeah.”
“Yep.”

Finally, after this fight-turned-positive-sibling-learning-experience, Darwin told my mom the story he’d been so excited about, and Forest listened supportively. “So Shelly, I got these shoes because I went to the car with bare feet and we didn’t notice until we were really far from Boston. So we got me new shoes at Wal-Mart!”

Are you tired of the bickering and hitting, and ready to stop your own yelling, punishing, and taking sides? Siblings Without Rivalry is an eight class parenting series that will help you reduce conflict and generate goodwill among all your children. 

 Do kids always have to share?

A reader on Facebook responded to my last blog post asking if I always expect my children to share. My quick response was, “Heck no!” As I continued to reflect on the sharing question, I decided I wanted to offer a few thoughts to help contextualize the story from that post. Today's article also includes nine ways adults might respond helpfully to a sibling quarrel in which the baby or young toddler wants the toy the big kid is using.

First of all, Darwin’s initial actions were age appropriate ways to say he was not ready to give up or share this toy with his brother: covering it with his body and then later putting it out of Forest’s reach. In fact, these ways of expressing his desires were relatively considerate of Forest’s feelings when compared to some other typical three year old actions, like hitting, kicking, biting, or screaming. I wish I could go back in time and whisper this big picture view to my earlier self so that I could feel more appreciative and empathetic to Darwin the three year old!

Second, though it’s true that when this story took place I felt very disappointed in Darwin’s resistance to sharing with his brother, I already believed intellectually that sharing or giving up of a toy should not be forced by an adult. Now, years later, I feel even more strongly that a good home rule is that whoever is using something should get to keep using it until she feels done, because the typical ways adults enforce sharing teach kids that (1) sharing feels bad because it’s something others make you do, (2) big people are the resolvers and deciders, and (3) my desire to pay attention to something that I find fascinating is not as important as giving others what they want when they demand it.

On the other hand, empowering children to decide when they’re ready to share teaches (1) I know how to be generous when I’m ready, (2) my intellectual curiosity is important, and (3) sometimes it’s hard to wait for something I want, but I can do it and my grownup will help me get better at waiting. Check out Heather Shumaker and Laura Markham for more on why you can stop making your kids share when you think they’re supposed to.

9 Tips for When the Baby/Toddler Wants the Big Kid’s Toy

How can you help when a 13 month old wants a toy that his three year old brother is currently using, and the three year old is working hard to keep the toy away from the baby? Here are nine good options.

1. Emphatically acknowledge both children’s feelings.
“Darwin, you are using those stacking blocks right now. Are you feeling like you’re NOT ready for Forest to use any of them?”
“Forest, you really want those blocks!”
Identifying children’s feelings is a good default strategy for mediating conflicts because it helps each person feel heard and appreciate each other's point of view, thus freeing them up to move the process forward. Sometimes one acknowledgment per child is enough for them to figure out the next move.

2. Help them see the problem and ask them to help solve it.
Sometimes, though you successfully acknowledge each child’s perspective several times, they remain stuck. In this situation, you can show respect for their struggle, summarize, and then ask them to solve the problem.
“This is a hard problem. Darwin, you are using the blocks right now and are not ready to share. Forest, you really want to play with the blocks. What do we do in a case like this?”

You can also try skipping the discussion of feelings and perspectives, and simply state the facts of the problem and request a solution, as in, "I see two kids and one set of 8 blocks. What do we do in a case like this?" Ideas such as splitting the blocks, taking turns, or using them together might come up. If the kids aren’t able to stop engaging with the toy during the conversation, you can firmly immobilize (but not take!) the object while you problem solve.

3. Get on the floor and involve both children in a more complex game.
“Can I help you build Darwin? We can pretend we’re building a big tower and a silly dinosaur is always trying to knock it down, but we have to build it up again before he knocks it again. Forest, can you be the silly dinosaur and knock down the tower?”

4. Playfully join in the fight.
One productive way to transform a sibling conflict is to playfully pit the kids against the grownups. “Hey!” I could say with wide eyes and a big smile. “Those are the most beautiful blocks I’ve ever seen and I want them right now!” Darwin would say, “No!” to me, and I would feign a terrible upset. “What?! Grownups aren’t allowed to use them?” Another opportunity for Darwin to say “No!” probably with a big giggle. “Just kids?! That’s no fair!! You and Forest both get to use them and I don’t!” At this point, it’s likely that Darwin would start offering parts of the blocks to Forest as a way to get me more “upset” while I fall apart in a pretend and very exaggerated tantrum on the floor. Both kids would be laughing with each other as well as feeling connected to me.

5. Coach the older child in the moment.
“Darwin, can you find another toy you think Forest would like?”
​
6. Playfully practice the toy offer strategy with the older child when the baby/toddler is not around.
“Darwin, let’s pretend I’m Forest and I start grabbing for the purple dinosaur you’re holding.”  Playing with a parent about the situation can help relieve stress about it while at the same time teaching an effective strategy. Darwin and I once played this game for half an hour while Forest napped. He thought it was hilarious when I toddled, grabbed, and cried like Forest, and he became a master at finding toys for me that would distract me from my desire for the purple dinosaur.

7. Protect a child’s right to continue playing with a toy, then engage the other child in a new activity.
Sit close to both children, wrapping Forest in a loving hug that also keeps him from grabbing the blocks. “Forest, let’s ask Darwin. Darwin, can Forest use some of the blocks?”
“No.”
“When can he use them?”
“When I’m done.”
“Okay, can you please give them to him when you’re done?”
“Okay.”
“Come on Forest, let’s go find your green ball!”
 
With verbal children who don’t have the words for this exchange, you can give them the words they need:
To the child without the object: “You can say, ‘When can I use it?’"
To the child with the object: “You can say, ‘When I'm done.’”

8. Help the disappointed child with his feelings.
It’s possible the offer of a new activity would distract Forest, but if it doesn’t, I believe it is still important in almost all cases to protect the right of the other child to continue using a toy he is engaged with. So if Forest’s response is to screech and frantically reach again for the desired toy, I could lovingly hold him back from Darwin. Lots of acknowledging his feelings and listening to his upset would be necessary here. “Oh Forest, you want those blocks so much. It is so hard to wait! I am here for you, and I will help you wait.”

And if he keeps on crying, I can confidently and firmly keep him from the blocks, offering lots of hugs and eye contact. As he cries, I continue to listen empathically, perhaps in silence, perhaps with periodic murmurings like, “I know…It’s hard…I love you…” And when he's let out his feelings and calmed down some, I can tell the story for him again and then offer a distraction again. “Darwin was playing with the blocks and you wanted them, and it is so hard to wait. You will get to use them later. Do you want to help me make a smoothie for our snack?”

9. Describe and give space.
Take a look at my last post for a detailed description of this strategy, also called sportscasting by Janet Lansbury. I love describe and give space because when all you do is verbalize the facts, you don’t have to know what’s right and wrong in a given situation. As confident as we sometimes can be, the truth is that adults often have a limited view of children’s relational conflicts, as I did three years ago when my inclination in the heat of the moment was to sympathize with Forest and feel frustrated with Darwin. What good fortune, from three year old Darwin’s perspective, that I didn’t try to exert more influence in their conflict, since I would probably have ended up shaming him for his perfectly normal three year old behavior. So I often head for describe and give space when I don’t understand what’s driving the conflict between my kids, or when other interventions seem not to take hold.
 
By keeping my opinions out their conflict, but staying present by describing my observations, sharing my feelings, and modeling how I worked with my feelings, Darwin learned:

• My mother has confidence that I can figure out how to navigate a social conflict, and it’s okay for me to try my own strategies.
• Even though I was in charge of handling this conflict, my mother didn’t leave me totally on my own. She was there for me when I needed help from her.
• My brother was upset at first when I hid the toys from him, and that wasn’t fun.
• My mother was also upset when my brother was upset because she cares about all her children, but she did not get mad at me or think I’m a bad brother or a mean person.
• When I was ready to reconnect with my brother, I knew how to do it. He felt better and my mother also felt better. That also felt good to me.
• Even my mother feels upset sometimes, and when she does, she counts and breathes to help herself get calm again, and that also makes it easier for her to help me.

Add these ideas to your menu and let me know how it goes! And if you want many more strategies and personalized help working through your own parenting challenges, reserve one of the last spots in my eight week series. It starts September 20, so don't delay! 

With joy,
Cynthia

Looking to expand your parenting tool box in a supportive, small group setting? Do you want to raise your children with more confidence, connection, and fun? Both of my eight week series, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Siblings Without Rivalry, will give you the skills and inspiration you need to be more effective with your children and more helpful to yourself.​

A few years, ago, my three year old son Darwin was contentedly playing with a set of stacking boxes when his 13 month old brother Forest toddled over and reached for the colorful pieces of cardboard. Darwin covered them with his arms and body, but when Forest started pulling at his hands, he stood up and held the boxes out of reach. Forest burst into tears.

What’s a parent or caregiver to do in this all too typical situation?

Unfortunately, most advice and commands that adults give kids end up worsening sibling conflict over time. Meanwhile, a totally hands off approach often leads to a power struggle between kids. Without effective support in how to productively resolve their conflicts, children are likely to resort to battling each other with physical strength and emotional manipulation.

In the parenting classes I teach, one of the most important skills is describe then give space. It means you say what you see or hear without judgment, and it can provide a helpful mirror for a child. When their attention is brought to facts of the situation, they use their natural intelligence to make good decisions.

Adult: “I see dirty clothes on the bed.”
→ Child tells herself to throw the dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

Adult: “We have one cookie and two kids who each want a cookie.”
→ Child suggests they split the cookie in half.

Along similar lines, Janet Lansbury calls it sportscasting when the adult verbalizes a “just-the-facts” play by play of a child’s struggle. Whether children are learning a new skill independently or navigating a social challenge with another child, Lansbury stresses that describing and then allowing space for children to decide what actions to take can sometimes be the most helpful way to support their growth. Using sportscasting, here is what I said during the conflict of the stacking boxes.

“Darwin was playing with boxes. When Forest reached for the boxes, Darwin hid the boxes. Then Forest cried.”
After hearing my words, Darwin was still for a moment, then held some boxes out in front of Forest, saying, “Here Forest. You can play with these.” Forest immediately stopped crying and reached for the boxes.

I said, “Darwin offered part of the toy to share with Forest and Forest looks calm and happy again.”

Apparently, I had spoken too soon, because Darwin grabbed the boxes back and wrapped his whole body over them, saying, “No! I’m not sharing at ALL!” Forest cried hard for a few minutes. I observed. Darwin continued hiding the toy and proclaiming that he wouldn’t share. I noticed my temperature rising and my mind feeling cloudy, so I paused, counted out loud to ten three times, and breathed deeply.

The pause let me see how my anger was a response to thoughts like, He should be kind to his younger brother…and…Will he always be this selfish?

Luckily, I remembered that when distorted expectations and exaggerated fears cause big emotions, they need big reality checks. So I calmed myself with some important reminders like, A younger sibling can be very threatening to an older sibling…and… It will take time and support for Darwin to learn how to assert himself in a way that also shows consideration for Forest’s feelings.

Having thus taken steps to regulate my own emotions, I was better able to help my kids understand each other’s perspective. I continued describing the events and emotional responses as I perceived them. I watched as Darwin put the toy up on a counter where Forest couldn’t reach. Forest cried in front of the counter. I was tempted to take it down for him, but I really wanted to empower my children by not taking sides, so I continued to describe.

Forest cried more but eventually moved on to another activity. I was still agitated from watching Darwin work so hard to make sure Forest didn’t get the toy, so when Darwin asked me to do something for him (I can’t remember what!), I shared my authentic feelings without attacking his character: “I feel upset when I see my children’s feelings being hurt.”  

Then I modeled self-regulation of my emotions: “So I need some time to feel calm again.” I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. When I felt a bit calmer, I said pleasantly, “I’m ready!” and helped him with what he had been asking. Calming myself in this way allowed me to reestablish a positive connection with him.

A couple minutes later, Forest was still playing contentedly, on his own, but Darwin was standing in the corner behind the table, silent and still. I asked, “Why are you standing behind the table, my love?” He stayed quiet, so I said, “Do you feel bad?”
He said, “Yes.”
“Why do you feel bad?”
He thought for a minute then said, “Because I hurt Forest’s feelings.”

Wow! Given the space, my son was “doing his emotional homework,” as Adele Faber calls it. I decided to offer him a way to fix the problem. “Sometimes it helps if you give a hug to the person whose feelings you hurt, and say, ‘I’m sorry.’ Would you like to do that?”
“No. Forest already feels better.”
“It does look like he’s not crying anymore, but sometimes after someone hurts your feelings you still feel a little sad until they do something to show you that they love you and that they’re sorry.”

I offered other suggestions for how he could reconnect with Forest, like bringing him a toy he likes, giving him a high five, or inviting him to play, all of which he rejected. At that point, I decided to let go of the idea that he would make Forest feel better and just appreciate that he’d shown genuine remorse.

Soon after, I noticed Darwin in the back room of our apartment laying alone on the floor with the throw blanket wrapped around his body. That’s interesting, I thought. We don’t do “time-outs” in our family, but here he has chosen to give himself some space in the wake of this drama.

A few minutes later, he marched out. He was pushing the walker Forest had loved ever since he used it to learn to walk. My fearful thoughts returned: Here we go again. Darwin will push Forest’s favorite toy around right in front of him. Forest will cry, and we’ll be in sibling conflict mode all over again.

But guess what? To my delight and surprise, Darwin pushed the walker right over to Forest and said cheerfully, “Here, Forest. I brought you your favorite toy!” My three and a half year old had made amends when he was ready, in a way that came from his own motivation and his own intelligence.

As Forest pushed the walker around happily, I sportscasted the turn of events: “Forest looks really happy after Darwin brought him his favorite toy. Darwin knows how to take care of his brother’s feelings.”

It can be hard to resist trying to control our children with scolding, punishments, and strongly worded advice. Describe then give space offers parents a way to stay present and supportive while still leaving most of the decision making power in the hands of the kids. Now my kids are four and almost seven, but I still use the same approach during some of their conflicts!

I believe it is helping them grow into the kind of people who can make socially helpful decisions for themselves when they inevitably run into conflict with others, even when no one is watching.