How can parents set effective limits on unacceptable behavior?
 
One strategy we use in our family when one child has hurt another with their body or strong hurting words (like “I hate you” or “You’re not my brother”) is called “calm, practice, repair.”
 
Step 1: Calm: get yourself calm so you can think.
Step 2: Practice: reflect on what you did that was hurtful, what you were hoping to achieve, and practice another way of getting your needs met without hurting the other person.
Step 3: Repair: repair the relationship with the person you hurt – find a way to make them feel better or reestablish the connection between the two of you.
 
For a long time, an adult was always required to coach the children through the process, but now that my kids have internalized this conflict resolution strategy, sometimes they do it on their own. Here’s what it sounded like from the next room the first time I heard my kids doing “calm, practice, repair” independently. Forest was 4.5 and Darwin had just turned 7.
 
Darwin : Ow! You hurt my toe!
...thud...
Forest: Ow, you kicked me!
Forest: Okay, fine I'll do it first.
Darwin: Do what?
Forest: Calm, practice, repair.
Darwin: Okay.
...silence...
Forest: Now I’m calm.
Darwin: Well, why did you hurt my toe?
Forest: Because I didn't want to play PJ Masks anymore.
Darwin: Okay, well you can just say, ‘I don't want to play this anymore.’
Forest: Okay, next time I'll say, ‘I don't want to play this anymore.’ Okay now, what I can do to repair?
Darwin: Never do that again!!!
Forest: Okay.
Darwin: No wait, I want you to play with me. That will make me feel better.
Forest: Okay, what should we play?
Darwin: Let’s build Legos.
Forest: Yes!
 
Sounds unbelievable right? Even as I was listening in, I was amazed (which is why I quickly wrote it down). Does this happen every time? Of course not - we are all still practicing and learning. 

Last year, both kids and I were chatting during pre-bed snuggle time. The subject of some kids at school hitting came up. Afterward, Darwin shared, “Remember when Forest used to hit a lot?” Forest responded, “Yeah, but then Mommy taught me the three steps and I stopped.”
 
As Forest attests, “calm, practice, repair,” can be an effective routine to stop a pattern of hurting behavior. It helps kids learn to regulate emotions, make amends, reflect on past behavior, and brainstorm alternative strategies for the future.
 
Do my kids stay calm and talk things out?
Often but not always.
Do I remember to use my skills in the right way at the right time?
Often but not always.

Yet there is no faster way to become a more effective communicator and parent than learning and practicing proven skills, especially when you are doing it in the context of a supportive group of others who are working toward the same goals. If this sounds like something you're after, know there are still a few spots left in both of my upcoming parenting classes. Details below.

Warmly,
Cynthia

We parents typically don’t realize how often we respond to our children’s negative feelings with reassurance, advice, and rejection or denial of feelings.
 
You’re okay!
But you love school!
Go to your room until you can calm down.
 
Instead we can reflect back to our children the feelings and desires we hear them expressing.
 
Ouch. A scraped knee can really hurt.
It sounds like you’re not feeling like going to school right now.
Are you worried about the flu shot?
 
There are many benefits to empathizing regularly with our children, such as helping them to feel heard and understood, which allows them have a deeper trust in you and also helps them move on from emotional upset to being able to make effective choices. Just as importantly, when we reflect our children’s feelings back to them instead of automatically giving them advice, reassurance, or our own frustration, they learn that describing feelings is an important part of being in relationship with other people. Even more wonderful, they learn to empathize with other people.
 
One of my favorite family stories shows how all the empathizing I did with my children starting before they could even talk really paid off in their relationship with each other. Darwin and Forest are seven and almost five now, but imagine a few years back, four year Darwin and two year old Forest have just been tucked into bed.
 
“Good night, Darwin and Forest. We’ll check on you in five minutes.”
 
Our dog Chana is barking downstairs. Through the monitor I hear this conversation:
 
Forest: “Mine dog bahking!”
Darwin: “Chana’s barking!”
 
These sentences were repeated several times, with increasing enthusiasm. Forest got so excited that by the 4th or 5th repetition he was really shouting.
 
Darwin: “You don’t have to yell.”
Forest: “Hear me.”
A moment of quiet.
Forest, still yelling: “MINE DOG BAHKING!”
Darwin: “Stop saying that.”
Forest: “MINE DOG BAHKING!”
Darwin, yelling too now: “STOP SAYING THAT!”
 
Now Forest’s voice came back to a normal level.
Forest: “Me sad stop saying that. Me so sad.”
Darwin: “Are you sad because Chana is barking or because I said, ‘Stop saying that?’”
Forest: “Me sad ‘Stop saying that.’”
Darwin: “So you’re sad because I said, ‘Stop saying that?’”
Forest: “Yeah.”
Darwin: “Oh.”
 
Both kids got quiet. Forest rolled over in bed. Two minutes later he let out one final, gentle voiced, “Mine dog bahking.”
 
I adore this story because it shows how Forest, at age two, already knew to say his feelings when having a conflict with his brother. Darwin, at age four, already knew to empathize and also clarify his understanding by reflecting Forest’s comments back to him. Both children seemed to hear each other and be able to peacefully move on from the conflict. These are skills that adults often struggle to use even with each other. I was so excited that I quickly wrote down their conversation on a scrap of paper. It helps me to have a reminder that the effort I put into how I talk to my kids really does pay off.

Are you tired of the bickering and hitting, and ready to stop your own yelling, punishing, and taking sides? Siblings Without Rivalry is an eight class parenting series that will help you reduce conflict and generate goodwill among all your children. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is appropriate for parents of single or multiple children. 

A good first step is often to just stay close and observe, ready to intervene more if you think they need your support. Sometimes just the positive presence of a parent or caring adult can inspire kids to listen more and work towards a win-win solution.

You can also try sportscasting, in which you announce a play by play of what’s happening. In my experience, this works exceedingly well for helping toddlers step back and see their conflict from a broader perspective. It can help older kids too, though sometimes they may be annoyed at being spoken about in the third person when they are in the midst of a conflict they care about.

My go to strategy for supporting kids in a verbal disagreement is to do what I do when I am acting as a mediator for adult conflicts: Directly acknowledge each person’s perspective until they can begin to hear one another and start to consider what they want to do going forward. 

On this particular day, I started by observing my kids, but determined relatively quickly that they would benefit from a more active intervention, as I had already seen them have this same disagreement about the newness (or not newness) of these shoes at least one other time. I also noted that they were repeating their words back and forth, and each child’s volume was raising with every utterance, so it didn’t seem like they were headed towards mutual understanding on their own.

I gently, but confidently looked at Darwin, and asked him, “So, Darwin, from your point of view, the shoes definitely still feel new after having them for a month. Is that right?” Both boys got quiet and looked at me. Darwin let out a relieved breath and nodded his head. I turned to look at Forest, and with open hands and an almost smile said to him, “And from your perspective, Forest, having something for a month means it’s really not new anymore.” Forest glanced at Darwin and then looked back at me. “Yeah,” he said emphatically.

It is important to address the person whose perspective you are describing instead of addressing one child and telling him about the other. “Do you feel…?” offers a great deal more respect than, “He feels…”, in part because it invites your child to correct you if your guess is off. In addition, when I say, “Forest, from your point of view the shoes are not new,” it's easier for Darwin to consider Forest's perspective than if I were to say, “Darwin, Forest thinks the shoes are not new,” because there is no pressure on Darwin to accept or understand anything. He can simply be a witness to me acknowledging Forest, and consider for himself what things might be like for his brother.​

Acknowledging their different opinions helped them pause for a moment, but they still weren’t ready to think deeply about what the other was saying. They went back to arguing with heated voices.

Forest said, “So! They’re not new because they’re already a month old!”
“They are new!”
“No, they’re not!”
“Yes, they are!”

At this point I walked over and sat next to them on the floor. Right at their level now, my goal was to project confidence and friendliness as I looked at their faces and repeated the affirmations of each child’s perspective one or two more times. Each time I did, I received head nods or "Yes!" They gradually slowed down and lowered their voices, looking at me and at each other.

Darwin seemed to really be thinking now, and added, “Well, they’re not brand new if you’ve had them for a month.” I reflected this back to him, partly so he knew he was being heard, and partly because I knew that hearing Darwin’s idea in my voice might help Forest process it more easily. I continued to speak to Darwin about Darwin’s idea.

I said, “Aah – so Darwin you’re saying that new can mean a month, and brand new can mean…?” I paused, leaving the question hanging in the air. Forest’s eyes got bright, and he smiled as he finished my sentence.
“… Just a few days!” From here the conversation began to feel like grown up collaborators on a team project, as Darwin piggybacked on Forest’s idea with, “Yeah! Brand new is like you just got them yesterday.”
Forest summarized, “Yeah, yesterday or just a few days ago if they’re brand new.”
And Darwin concluded, looking at Forest with a smile, “And just new if you’ve had them for a month!”
I checked in. “Did you guys figure it out?”
“Yeah.”
“Yep.”

Finally, after this fight-turned-positive-sibling-learning-experience, Darwin told my mom the story he’d been so excited about, and Forest listened supportively. “So Shelly, I got these shoes because I went to the car with bare feet and we didn’t notice until we were really far from Boston. So we got me new shoes at Wal-Mart!”

Are you tired of the bickering and hitting, and ready to stop your own yelling, punishing, and taking sides? Siblings Without Rivalry is an eight class parenting series that will help you reduce conflict and generate goodwill among all your children. 

 Do kids always have to share?

A reader on Facebook responded to my last blog post asking if I always expect my children to share. My quick response was, “Heck no!” As I continued to reflect on the sharing question, I decided I wanted to offer a few thoughts to help contextualize the story from that post. Today's article also includes nine ways adults might respond helpfully to a sibling quarrel in which the baby or young toddler wants the toy the big kid is using.

First of all, Darwin’s initial actions were age appropriate ways to say he was not ready to give up or share this toy with his brother: covering it with his body and then later putting it out of Forest’s reach. In fact, these ways of expressing his desires were relatively considerate of Forest’s feelings when compared to some other typical three year old actions, like hitting, kicking, biting, or screaming. I wish I could go back in time and whisper this big picture view to my earlier self so that I could feel more appreciative and empathetic to Darwin the three year old!

Second, though it’s true that when this story took place I felt very disappointed in Darwin’s resistance to sharing with his brother, I already believed intellectually that sharing or giving up of a toy should not be forced by an adult. Now, years later, I feel even more strongly that a good home rule is that whoever is using something should get to keep using it until she feels done, because the typical ways adults enforce sharing teach kids that (1) sharing feels bad because it’s something others make you do, (2) big people are the resolvers and deciders, and (3) my desire to pay attention to something that I find fascinating is not as important as giving others what they want when they demand it.

On the other hand, empowering children to decide when they’re ready to share teaches (1) I know how to be generous when I’m ready, (2) my intellectual curiosity is important, and (3) sometimes it’s hard to wait for something I want, but I can do it and my grownup will help me get better at waiting. Check out Heather Shumaker and Laura Markham for more on why you can stop making your kids share when you think they’re supposed to.

9 Tips for When the Baby/Toddler Wants the Big Kid’s Toy

How can you help when a 13 month old wants a toy that his three year old brother is currently using, and the three year old is working hard to keep the toy away from the baby? Here are nine good options.

1. Emphatically acknowledge both children’s feelings.
“Darwin, you are using those stacking blocks right now. Are you feeling like you’re NOT ready for Forest to use any of them?”
“Forest, you really want those blocks!”
Identifying children’s feelings is a good default strategy for mediating conflicts because it helps each person feel heard and appreciate each other's point of view, thus freeing them up to move the process forward. Sometimes one acknowledgment per child is enough for them to figure out the next move.

2. Help them see the problem and ask them to help solve it.
Sometimes, though you successfully acknowledge each child’s perspective several times, they remain stuck. In this situation, you can show respect for their struggle, summarize, and then ask them to solve the problem.
“This is a hard problem. Darwin, you are using the blocks right now and are not ready to share. Forest, you really want to play with the blocks. What do we do in a case like this?”

You can also try skipping the discussion of feelings and perspectives, and simply state the facts of the problem and request a solution, as in, "I see two kids and one set of 8 blocks. What do we do in a case like this?" Ideas such as splitting the blocks, taking turns, or using them together might come up. If the kids aren’t able to stop engaging with the toy during the conversation, you can firmly immobilize (but not take!) the object while you problem solve.

3. Get on the floor and involve both children in a more complex game.
“Can I help you build Darwin? We can pretend we’re building a big tower and a silly dinosaur is always trying to knock it down, but we have to build it up again before he knocks it again. Forest, can you be the silly dinosaur and knock down the tower?”

4. Playfully join in the fight.
One productive way to transform a sibling conflict is to playfully pit the kids against the grownups. “Hey!” I could say with wide eyes and a big smile. “Those are the most beautiful blocks I’ve ever seen and I want them right now!” Darwin would say, “No!” to me, and I would feign a terrible upset. “What?! Grownups aren’t allowed to use them?” Another opportunity for Darwin to say “No!” probably with a big giggle. “Just kids?! That’s no fair!! You and Forest both get to use them and I don’t!” At this point, it’s likely that Darwin would start offering parts of the blocks to Forest as a way to get me more “upset” while I fall apart in a pretend and very exaggerated tantrum on the floor. Both kids would be laughing with each other as well as feeling connected to me.

5. Coach the older child in the moment.
“Darwin, can you find another toy you think Forest would like?”
​
6. Playfully practice the toy offer strategy with the older child when the baby/toddler is not around.
“Darwin, let’s pretend I’m Forest and I start grabbing for the purple dinosaur you’re holding.”  Playing with a parent about the situation can help relieve stress about it while at the same time teaching an effective strategy. Darwin and I once played this game for half an hour while Forest napped. He thought it was hilarious when I toddled, grabbed, and cried like Forest, and he became a master at finding toys for me that would distract me from my desire for the purple dinosaur.

7. Protect a child’s right to continue playing with a toy, then engage the other child in a new activity.
Sit close to both children, wrapping Forest in a loving hug that also keeps him from grabbing the blocks. “Forest, let’s ask Darwin. Darwin, can Forest use some of the blocks?”
“No.”
“When can he use them?”
“When I’m done.”
“Okay, can you please give them to him when you’re done?”
“Okay.”
“Come on Forest, let’s go find your green ball!”
 
With verbal children who don’t have the words for this exchange, you can give them the words they need:
To the child without the object: “You can say, ‘When can I use it?’"
To the child with the object: “You can say, ‘When I'm done.’”

8. Help the disappointed child with his feelings.
It’s possible the offer of a new activity would distract Forest, but if it doesn’t, I believe it is still important in almost all cases to protect the right of the other child to continue using a toy he is engaged with. So if Forest’s response is to screech and frantically reach again for the desired toy, I could lovingly hold him back from Darwin. Lots of acknowledging his feelings and listening to his upset would be necessary here. “Oh Forest, you want those blocks so much. It is so hard to wait! I am here for you, and I will help you wait.”

And if he keeps on crying, I can confidently and firmly keep him from the blocks, offering lots of hugs and eye contact. As he cries, I continue to listen empathically, perhaps in silence, perhaps with periodic murmurings like, “I know…It’s hard…I love you…” And when he's let out his feelings and calmed down some, I can tell the story for him again and then offer a distraction again. “Darwin was playing with the blocks and you wanted them, and it is so hard to wait. You will get to use them later. Do you want to help me make a smoothie for our snack?”

9. Describe and give space.
Take a look at my last post for a detailed description of this strategy, also called sportscasting by Janet Lansbury. I love describe and give space because when all you do is verbalize the facts, you don’t have to know what’s right and wrong in a given situation. As confident as we sometimes can be, the truth is that adults often have a limited view of children’s relational conflicts, as I did three years ago when my inclination in the heat of the moment was to sympathize with Forest and feel frustrated with Darwin. What good fortune, from three year old Darwin’s perspective, that I didn’t try to exert more influence in their conflict, since I would probably have ended up shaming him for his perfectly normal three year old behavior. So I often head for describe and give space when I don’t understand what’s driving the conflict between my kids, or when other interventions seem not to take hold.
 
By keeping my opinions out their conflict, but staying present by describing my observations, sharing my feelings, and modeling how I worked with my feelings, Darwin learned:

• My mother has confidence that I can figure out how to navigate a social conflict, and it’s okay for me to try my own strategies.
• Even though I was in charge of handling this conflict, my mother didn’t leave me totally on my own. She was there for me when I needed help from her.
• My brother was upset at first when I hid the toys from him, and that wasn’t fun.
• My mother was also upset when my brother was upset because she cares about all her children, but she did not get mad at me or think I’m a bad brother or a mean person.
• When I was ready to reconnect with my brother, I knew how to do it. He felt better and my mother also felt better. That also felt good to me.
• Even my mother feels upset sometimes, and when she does, she counts and breathes to help herself get calm again, and that also makes it easier for her to help me.

Add these ideas to your menu and let me know how it goes! And if you want many more strategies and personalized help working through your own parenting challenges, reserve one of the last spots in my eight week series. It starts September 20, so don't delay! 

With joy,
Cynthia

Looking to expand your parenting tool box in a supportive, small group setting? Do you want to raise your children with more confidence, connection, and fun? Both of my eight week series, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Siblings Without Rivalry, will give you the skills and inspiration you need to be more effective with your children and more helpful to yourself.​

A few years, ago, my three year old son Darwin was contentedly playing with a set of stacking boxes when his 13 month old brother Forest toddled over and reached for the colorful pieces of cardboard. Darwin covered them with his arms and body, but when Forest started pulling at his hands, he stood up and held the boxes out of reach. Forest burst into tears.

What’s a parent or caregiver to do in this all too typical situation?

Unfortunately, most advice and commands that adults give kids end up worsening sibling conflict over time. Meanwhile, a totally hands off approach often leads to a power struggle between kids. Without effective support in how to productively resolve their conflicts, children are likely to resort to battling each other with physical strength and emotional manipulation.

In the parenting classes I teach, one of the most important skills is describe then give space. It means you say what you see or hear without judgment, and it can provide a helpful mirror for a child. When their attention is brought to facts of the situation, they use their natural intelligence to make good decisions.

Adult: “I see dirty clothes on the bed.”
→ Child tells herself to throw the dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

Adult: “We have one cookie and two kids who each want a cookie.”
→ Child suggests they split the cookie in half.

Along similar lines, Janet Lansbury calls it sportscasting when the adult verbalizes a “just-the-facts” play by play of a child’s struggle. Whether children are learning a new skill independently or navigating a social challenge with another child, Lansbury stresses that describing and then allowing space for children to decide what actions to take can sometimes be the most helpful way to support their growth. Using sportscasting, here is what I said during the conflict of the stacking boxes.

“Darwin was playing with boxes. When Forest reached for the boxes, Darwin hid the boxes. Then Forest cried.”
After hearing my words, Darwin was still for a moment, then held some boxes out in front of Forest, saying, “Here Forest. You can play with these.” Forest immediately stopped crying and reached for the boxes.

I said, “Darwin offered part of the toy to share with Forest and Forest looks calm and happy again.”

Apparently, I had spoken too soon, because Darwin grabbed the boxes back and wrapped his whole body over them, saying, “No! I’m not sharing at ALL!” Forest cried hard for a few minutes. I observed. Darwin continued hiding the toy and proclaiming that he wouldn’t share. I noticed my temperature rising and my mind feeling cloudy, so I paused, counted out loud to ten three times, and breathed deeply.

The pause let me see how my anger was a response to thoughts like, He should be kind to his younger brother…and…Will he always be this selfish?

Luckily, I remembered that when distorted expectations and exaggerated fears cause big emotions, they need big reality checks. So I calmed myself with some important reminders like, A younger sibling can be very threatening to an older sibling…and… It will take time and support for Darwin to learn how to assert himself in a way that also shows consideration for Forest’s feelings.

Having thus taken steps to regulate my own emotions, I was better able to help my kids understand each other’s perspective. I continued describing the events and emotional responses as I perceived them. I watched as Darwin put the toy up on a counter where Forest couldn’t reach. Forest cried in front of the counter. I was tempted to take it down for him, but I really wanted to empower my children by not taking sides, so I continued to describe.

Forest cried more but eventually moved on to another activity. I was still agitated from watching Darwin work so hard to make sure Forest didn’t get the toy, so when Darwin asked me to do something for him (I can’t remember what!), I shared my authentic feelings without attacking his character: “I feel upset when I see my children’s feelings being hurt.”  

Then I modeled self-regulation of my emotions: “So I need some time to feel calm again.” I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. When I felt a bit calmer, I said pleasantly, “I’m ready!” and helped him with what he had been asking. Calming myself in this way allowed me to reestablish a positive connection with him.

A couple minutes later, Forest was still playing contentedly, on his own, but Darwin was standing in the corner behind the table, silent and still. I asked, “Why are you standing behind the table, my love?” He stayed quiet, so I said, “Do you feel bad?”
He said, “Yes.”
“Why do you feel bad?”
He thought for a minute then said, “Because I hurt Forest’s feelings.”

Wow! Given the space, my son was “doing his emotional homework,” as Adele Faber calls it. I decided to offer him a way to fix the problem. “Sometimes it helps if you give a hug to the person whose feelings you hurt, and say, ‘I’m sorry.’ Would you like to do that?”
“No. Forest already feels better.”
“It does look like he’s not crying anymore, but sometimes after someone hurts your feelings you still feel a little sad until they do something to show you that they love you and that they’re sorry.”

I offered other suggestions for how he could reconnect with Forest, like bringing him a toy he likes, giving him a high five, or inviting him to play, all of which he rejected. At that point, I decided to let go of the idea that he would make Forest feel better and just appreciate that he’d shown genuine remorse.

Soon after, I noticed Darwin in the back room of our apartment laying alone on the floor with the throw blanket wrapped around his body. That’s interesting, I thought. We don’t do “time-outs” in our family, but here he has chosen to give himself some space in the wake of this drama.

A few minutes later, he marched out. He was pushing the walker Forest had loved ever since he used it to learn to walk. My fearful thoughts returned: Here we go again. Darwin will push Forest’s favorite toy around right in front of him. Forest will cry, and we’ll be in sibling conflict mode all over again.

But guess what? To my delight and surprise, Darwin pushed the walker right over to Forest and said cheerfully, “Here, Forest. I brought you your favorite toy!” My three and a half year old had made amends when he was ready, in a way that came from his own motivation and his own intelligence.

As Forest pushed the walker around happily, I sportscasted the turn of events: “Forest looks really happy after Darwin brought him his favorite toy. Darwin knows how to take care of his brother’s feelings.”

It can be hard to resist trying to control our children with scolding, punishments, and strongly worded advice. Describe then give space offers parents a way to stay present and supportive while still leaving most of the decision making power in the hands of the kids. Now my kids are four and almost seven, but I still use the same approach during some of their conflicts!

I believe it is helping them grow into the kind of people who can make socially helpful decisions for themselves when they inevitably run into conflict with others, even when no one is watching.

*                             *                             *