In life, when we have a problem, we think about what we want to be different, come up with potential solutions, and then choose our course of action. Unfortunately, when it comes to parenting (and marriage, friendship, work, and society...) most problems involve other people, yet we are not in the habit of solving them together. For instance, as parents, we often go through the problem solving process alone, and then expect our child to join us in the solution we already came up with. Sometimes it works, but often the child has determined what he or she thinks is the best solution, and it doesn’t jive with our plan, so we end up with a power struggle and a problem that still hasn’t been solved. 

In contrast, cooperative problem solving means that when you identify a problem, you assume the solution will come out of (1) being curious about your child’s concerns, (2) telling your concerns to your child, and (3) together brainstorming solutions that will work for both of you. This approach is the foundation of my parenting philosophy because it works better than top down discipline to help children do what's expected of them; it works to build a trusting and mutually supportive relationship between adult and child; and it empowers children to develop the personal skills and strategies they need in order to be successful throughout their life. Cooperative problem solving can take many different forms, so it can help families with children of all ages and personalities. 

Try inviting your child to help you solve a problem in the moment a problem is happening: 

• I see two kids and only one blue truck. What do we do in a case like that?
  
• I’m a dad whose only clean bowls this morning are small, and you’re a daughter who only likes to eat cereal from big bowls. How can we solve this problem?
  
• There’s clean laundry all over your bed, and you don’t want to put it away. What do we do in a case like this? (You never know - your child may surprise you. My son recently responded to this type of question by saying his Lego guys would do it, and then the Lego guys did do it, if you know what I mean.)
  

​Brainstorming ideas during an advance problem solving conversation.

Advance (not in the heat of the moment) problem solving is a bit more involved, but is an essential skill to learn if you are parenting verbal children and teens. What you do is find a calm moment when there's no active problem to invite your child to help you solve an ongoing challenge such as: 

• It's hard to stay focused during homework writing assignments
• It's hard to respect a sibling’s space while they’re reading
• It's hard to clean up after Lego play
• It's hard turn off a video game before dinner
• It's hard to come home in time for curfew

Learning to problem solve with your children can take some time and effort, but it will change your life. You don’t need to worry if you’ve been doing things “right” so far, or even if you understand “the right” way to do things because you can continue to bring in new ideas and learn as you go. If you’re raising your child with someone else, the two of you don’t even need to have a “united front” on the best approach to solving a particular problem your child is having.

When you take on cooperative problem solving as a way of life in your family, addressing an unmet expectation or other problem is just a matter of you and your child using a proven structure that will help you figure out a solution that will work for all of you. Once problem solving becomes your go-to approach with your kids, it will also find its way into your other relationships - spouse, siblings, colleagues. It works so well that instead of feeling fear when you find yourself in conflict, or notice your child really struggling, you feel confidence - this is painful right now, but we have a process that will lead us to a mutually satisfactory solution.

In my nine-session, small group Zoom parenting series, we cover a wide variety of relationship based parenting strategies, but developing proficiency in problem solving with your children is a link that runs throughout the program. We watch and read examples, practice the different steps, and learn how to overcome common pitfalls and obstacles. The class is capped at 10 participants and there are only 2 spots left in the 2020-2021 series as of this post. Register now! Feel free to contact me with any questions.  

Warmly, 
​
Cynthia Kriegman

P.S. There are some great books out there on problem solving with children - my favorite authors on the subject are Stuart Ablon, Ross Greene, Faber & Mazlish and Mazlish & King.

Here I’m going to talk about some ways to work with your children in the context of COVID-19, but these techniques may also be useful in helping a child through other difficult times. 

As parents and caregivers, we need to keep our children safe, but we can also strive to help them...

1. Feel their strong emotions 
2. Stay open and curious so they can learn about current reality 
3. Imagine a less scary future
4. Find their voice so they can feel agency in building that future

How?

One way is through story. 

I recently received the following message from a mom: 

Last night my 5 year old asked us if, when he starts kindergarten in the fall, he’ll be able to hold his friends’ hands again. He was pretty upset about it. Then he had a nightmare last night that he started kindergarten and the teacher told all the kids they had to stay away from each other.

After learning that this child loves drawing and making books, here is what I suggested she say to her son: 
​
Would you like to make a book with me that has a sad part about kids not getting to hold hands because everyone is trying to stay safe from a virus? But then in the end of the book there’s also a really happy part when no one is afraid anymore and they can hold hands again? 

The mom liked the idea, so I gave her the following additional pointers: 

• Guide your son to make up the characters (animals or any unusual creatures are fine), the setting (it can be another planet even), and some details about the virus (silly name and features are great).
• The goal is that he use the characters in the story to (1) express his feelings about the current situation and (2) creatively imagine a less scary future.
• The details don’t matter so long as he feels in charge of the story and he’s engaging with the issue he’s concerned about.