​All parents are familiar with those times when our child wants something and we either don't have it or we are choosing not to give it to them, so we say... "No." And sometimes that's the end of it. But sometimes our child has trouble accepting that small word. 

Every day last week, Luca (21 months), asked for pineapple. The second time he asked, I brought him to the fridge and wrote it on the shopping list, which seemed to please him greatly. He still asked about once a day, but was satisfied each time when we looked at the shopping list. I drew a little picture of the pineapple on the white board too, which he liked. 

But then the pineapple arrived...completely unripe. Dark green, no aroma, leaves firmly stuck in. We had recently learned that you actually need to let pineapples like these ripen, otherwise they're so sour that no one in my house actually wants to eat them. Poor Luca, here was this beautiful pineapple, just staring him in the face, and Mommy and Daddy refusing to cut it open and let him eat it!

Luca: "Pineapple! Pineapple! Pineapple!"
Mommy: "You want pineapple! It's not ready yet. We'll eat it in a few days."
Luca (pointing emphatically at the pineapple on the counter): "Pineapple! Pineapple! Pineapple!"
Mommy: "You want pineapple so badly. It's still green. If we open it today it will be sour."
Luca (pointing and nearly starting to cry as he speaks): "Pineapple! Pineapple! Pineapple!"

What to do? 

When a child is upset, acknowledging their feelings can help make it easier for them to bear, because they know someone else really cares. One of the most effective ways to acknowledge a child's feelings is to give them their wish in fantasy.

"I wish that pineapple were ripe so that we could open it up and eat it right now!"

I did that, but Luca is young enough that that didn't really cut it for him, and he continued to point, repeat, and be on the verge of tears. Most likely, he didn't completely understand what I was saying about the ripeness and the sourness, and maybe about what a wish is either. With young children (though it also can work wonders with older ones), sometimes you want to take the wishes in fantasy a step or two further, by drawing or playing about what they want. 

I took a large piece of paper, markers, and the pineapple, and set them all out on the floor. "Luca, we can't eat that pineapple yet, but we can pretend!" Together, we drew a picture of the pineapple, oohing and aahing about how beautiful it was. He immediately calmed down and began to enjoy the drawing together. I also drew a picture of a plate of cut pineapple cubes, and also of him with pineapple in his mouth. He loved it.

Why did he love it? Why did he accept this activity when he was on the verge of losing it over not getting to eat the pineapple? A few possibilities - 1) apparently, our brain actually gets a lot of pleasure from just imagining getting the things we want, 2) he enjoyed the connection with me, 3) my bringing the pineapple into the drawing space convinced him that I was not going to open it at that moment so it wasn't worth continuing to ask, 4) he felt that I truly understood how important pineapple is to him.

The fact is that giving kids their wishes in fantasy is highly effective at all ages when we want to help them process feelings of disappointment. And when it comes to toddlers, drawing or playing about a disappointment reliably helps them change gears and move on. 

Skill: Say what you feel

Once we went on a hike and I was pretty excited that we had brought milk to complement the donuts we packed as a special treat. I really love having milk with a sweet baked good. We only had enough milk for one cup per person. Here's what happened.

Darwin (6 at the time) reached over me and spilled my whole cup of milk on the table and my leg.
Mommy: "Darwin, I'm really sad about that."
Darwin: "It was an accident."
Mommy: "I know it was an accident. I'm still really sad about it."
Without another word, in about five seconds he was pouring more than half of his milk into my cup.  
Sometimes saying how you feel is enough to inspire a child to do the right thing.

Hello Friends, 

Here is a story from my family to illustrate how not only do you not always need to fix, convince, explain, or argue, but sometimes empathy and connection really are enough to inspire a child to do what you expect of them. Many of us are still home with children, but daycares and camps are opening up, so I thought I'd share a story from some years back about trying to get out the door for preschool.

Soon after one of my sons turned 4, there was a week when he was away from both parents a lot more than normal because of our work and travel. The first morning things were back to normal, he woke up (wet from pee by the way) and said he didn’t want to go to school. I did NOT say anything about him needing to go school, choosing instead to give him a little space until I could really empathize with him ("Connect before you Correct," as Laura Markham says). After getting him out of his wet clothes and cleaning him up, our interaction went something like this, with S being my son and M being me (Mommy).

S – How about today I don’t go to school? Maybe I’m not feeling well.
M – So you’re not feeling like going to school today?
S – That’s right. I just want to stay home today and be with you and [other son].
M – I see.
S – Yeah, I’m not going to school today.
M – Has it been hard being away from me so much this week?
S – (nods)
M - You went to school every day and you didn’t even see me before bed last night. I know I missed you a LOT. Did you miss me?
S – Yes.
M – Boy, I missed you so much. I am so happy to see you right now. I just want to squeeze you and sqoosh you in a giant hug. Is that okay?
S – No. (a bit standing off from me, not looking me right in the eye – a bit protective I think – maybe trying to hide the feelings so he didn't have to be vulnerable)... 
M – Oh. Can I kiss your elbow?
S – (smiling a bit now) No!
M – PLEASE!!! (pretend whiny) But I really really really really want to!!
S – Sorry! (Smiling)
M – Well can I give you a smoodge then? (This is an unidentified term I made up at some point for some kind of affection that’s not a hug or kiss)
S – No!
M – Well then I have to do this… (I crept up to him and quickly, gently nuzzled his belly since he was smiling at me as I approached)
S – No! You can’t! (really smiling big now - wanting connection)
M – Can I help you put your clothes on just like when you were little?
S – Ok.
I put his shirt over his head and helped him step into one of his pant legs. He did the rest.
M – Well, if I can’t hug or kiss you, can I carry you down the stairs? That way I can steal a snuggle!
S – No! You can’t steal a snuggle because I’m lending it to you on purpose!
M – (He held his arms out for me to hold him. I nuzzled his neck) – Oh thank you! I really appreciate it. I missed you so much I really needed a good snuggle with you.
(After we got downstairs…)
M – Do you want to eat some oatmeal first or put your shoes and socks on first?
S – Oatmeal!!

He made no more mention of not going to school. No more resistance of any kind for the rest of the morning. Easy school drop off.  Voila – empathy and connection completely melted the resistance.  Is it always this picture perfect? In my house yes… (ha ha just kidding!). Of course not. But sometimes it is, thanks to these skills. Boy am I glad I knew I didn’t need to argue with him that morning about why he “had” to go to school.

​A follow up to this story is that another one of my sons (I have 3) went through something similar at age four, except that while my son in the story above was soothed fairly quickly with empathy and connection, my other child needed to cry and be listened to in his tears before he was able to transition his mindset. Though it took longer, I still think the same approach is what ultimately worked – acknowledging feelings for a while before using choices to make a point of what I expected him to do.

If you have a child who has bigger feelings, or whose feelings seem to need more time to express, it can help to plan for it when possible. One thing I did for mornings for a long time with the child who tended to have big feelings about the impending separation of going to school, besides doing as much night before school prep as possible, was I would plan for 10 minutes of play or reading time together at school drop off, so that there would be a 10 minute cushion of time in case he had feelings to process in the morning.

The 10 minutes of playtime at drop off also worked as an incentive built into the routine (not a bribe!) to help him get out the door more quickly. I know that this particular strategy is not available to every family, and that lots of us aren't going places right now. But once school becomes a thing again, if getting out the door is a challenge in your home, it is worth considering if there can be something to look forward to after getting out the door. It might even help make the getting ready part faster!
​
With joy, 
Cynthia
positiveparentingboston.com

In life, when we have a problem, we think about what we want to be different, come up with potential solutions, and then choose our course of action. Unfortunately, when it comes to parenting (and marriage, friendship, work, and society...) most problems involve other people, yet we are not in the habit of solving them together. For instance, as parents, we often go through the problem solving process alone, and then expect our child to join us in the solution we already came up with. Sometimes it works, but often the child has determined what he or she thinks is the best solution, and it doesn’t jive with our plan, so we end up with a power struggle and a problem that still hasn’t been solved. 

In contrast, cooperative problem solving means that when you identify a problem, you assume the solution will come out of (1) being curious about your child’s concerns, (2) telling your concerns to your child, and (3) together brainstorming solutions that will work for both of you. This approach is the foundation of my parenting philosophy because it works better than top down discipline to help children do what's expected of them; it works to build a trusting and mutually supportive relationship between adult and child; and it empowers children to develop the personal skills and strategies they need in order to be successful throughout their life. Cooperative problem solving can take many different forms, so it can help families with children of all ages and personalities. 

Try inviting your child to help you solve a problem in the moment a problem is happening: 

• I see two kids and only one blue truck. What do we do in a case like that?
  
• I’m a dad whose only clean bowls this morning are small, and you’re a daughter who only likes to eat cereal from big bowls. How can we solve this problem?
  
• There’s clean laundry all over your bed, and you don’t want to put it away. What do we do in a case like this? (You never know - your child may surprise you. My son recently responded to this type of question by saying his Lego guys would do it, and then the Lego guys did do it, if you know what I mean.)
  

​Brainstorming ideas during an advance problem solving conversation.

Advance (not in the heat of the moment) problem solving is a bit more involved, but is an essential skill to learn if you are parenting verbal children and teens. What you do is find a calm moment when there's no active problem to invite your child to help you solve an ongoing challenge such as: 

• It's hard to stay focused during homework writing assignments
• It's hard to respect a sibling’s space while they’re reading
• It's hard to clean up after Lego play
• It's hard turn off a video game before dinner
• It's hard to come home in time for curfew

Learning to problem solve with your children can take some time and effort, but it will change your life. You don’t need to worry if you’ve been doing things “right” so far, or even if you understand “the right” way to do things because you can continue to bring in new ideas and learn as you go. If you’re raising your child with someone else, the two of you don’t even need to have a “united front” on the best approach to solving a particular problem your child is having.

When you take on cooperative problem solving as a way of life in your family, addressing an unmet expectation or other problem is just a matter of you and your child using a proven structure that will help you figure out a solution that will work for all of you. Once problem solving becomes your go-to approach with your kids, it will also find its way into your other relationships - spouse, siblings, colleagues. It works so well that instead of feeling fear when you find yourself in conflict, or notice your child really struggling, you feel confidence - this is painful right now, but we have a process that will lead us to a mutually satisfactory solution.

In my nine-session, small group Zoom parenting series, we cover a wide variety of relationship based parenting strategies, but developing proficiency in problem solving with your children is a link that runs throughout the program. We watch and read examples, practice the different steps, and learn how to overcome common pitfalls and obstacles. The class is capped at 10 participants and there are only 2 spots left in the 2020-2021 series as of this post. Register now! Feel free to contact me with any questions.  

Warmly, 
​
Cynthia Kriegman

P.S. There are some great books out there on problem solving with children - my favorite authors on the subject are Stuart Ablon, Ross Greene, Faber & Mazlish and Mazlish & King.

Here I’m going to talk about some ways to work with your children in the context of COVID-19, but these techniques may also be useful in helping a child through other difficult times. 

As parents and caregivers, we need to keep our children safe, but we can also strive to help them...

1. Feel their strong emotions 
2. Stay open and curious so they can learn about current reality 
3. Imagine a less scary future
4. Find their voice so they can feel agency in building that future

How?

One way is through story. 

I recently received the following message from a mom: 

Last night my 5 year old asked us if, when he starts kindergarten in the fall, he’ll be able to hold his friends’ hands again. He was pretty upset about it. Then he had a nightmare last night that he started kindergarten and the teacher told all the kids they had to stay away from each other.

After learning that this child loves drawing and making books, here is what I suggested she say to her son: 
​
Would you like to make a book with me that has a sad part about kids not getting to hold hands because everyone is trying to stay safe from a virus? But then in the end of the book there’s also a really happy part when no one is afraid anymore and they can hold hands again? 

The mom liked the idea, so I gave her the following additional pointers: 

• Guide your son to make up the characters (animals or any unusual creatures are fine), the setting (it can be another planet even), and some details about the virus (silly name and features are great).
• The goal is that he use the characters in the story to (1) express his feelings about the current situation and (2) creatively imagine a less scary future.
• The details don’t matter so long as he feels in charge of the story and he’s engaging with the issue he’s concerned about.

Dear Friends,
I hope this email finds you safe and well, though I know it may not, given these uncertain times.

I have news to share. First, here's a photo of Darwin and Forest, along with their younger brother, my third son, Luca. He's nearly 11 months old and the sibling crew is doing great.

I was also on TV last week giving parenting tips!

Finally, I've scheduled some Zoom classes. Instead of the traditional eight session How to Talk So Kids Will Listen series, I will be offering the same content in three distinct modules of three meetings each. I am also offering a separate module specifically focused on implementing the collaborative problem solving process with your children. Check it all out at positiveparentingboston.com.

​Let me know how you're doing too!

All best, 
​Cynthia

How can parents set effective limits on unacceptable behavior?
 
One strategy we use in our family when one child has hurt another with their body or strong hurting words (like “I hate you” or “You’re not my brother”) is called “calm, practice, repair.”
 
Step 1: Calm: get yourself calm so you can think.
Step 2: Practice: reflect on what you did that was hurtful, what you were hoping to achieve, and practice another way of getting your needs met without hurting the other person.
Step 3: Repair: repair the relationship with the person you hurt – find a way to make them feel better or reestablish the connection between the two of you.
 
For a long time, an adult was always required to coach the children through the process, but now that my kids have internalized this conflict resolution strategy, sometimes they do it on their own. Here’s what it sounded like from the next room the first time I heard my kids doing “calm, practice, repair” independently. Forest was 4.5 and Darwin had just turned 7.
 
Darwin : Ow! You hurt my toe!
...thud...
Forest: Ow, you kicked me!
Forest: Okay, fine I'll do it first.
Darwin: Do what?
Forest: Calm, practice, repair.
Darwin: Okay.
...silence...
Forest: Now I’m calm.
Darwin: Well, why did you hurt my toe?
Forest: Because I didn't want to play PJ Masks anymore.
Darwin: Okay, well you can just say, ‘I don't want to play this anymore.’
Forest: Okay, next time I'll say, ‘I don't want to play this anymore.’ Okay now, what I can do to repair?
Darwin: Never do that again!!!
Forest: Okay.
Darwin: No wait, I want you to play with me. That will make me feel better.
Forest: Okay, what should we play?
Darwin: Let’s build Legos.
Forest: Yes!
 
Sounds unbelievable right? Even as I was listening in, I was amazed (which is why I quickly wrote it down). Does this happen every time? Of course not - we are all still practicing and learning. 

Last year, both kids and I were chatting during pre-bed snuggle time. The subject of some kids at school hitting came up. Afterward, Darwin shared, “Remember when Forest used to hit a lot?” Forest responded, “Yeah, but then Mommy taught me the three steps and I stopped.”
 
As Forest attests, “calm, practice, repair,” can be an effective routine to stop a pattern of hurting behavior. It helps kids learn to regulate emotions, make amends, reflect on past behavior, and brainstorm alternative strategies for the future.
 
Do my kids stay calm and talk things out?
Often but not always.
Do I remember to use my skills in the right way at the right time?
Often but not always.

Yet there is no faster way to become a more effective communicator and parent than learning and practicing proven skills, especially when you are doing it in the context of a supportive group of others who are working toward the same goals. If this sounds like something you're after, know there are still a few spots left in both of my upcoming parenting classes. Details below.

Warmly,
Cynthia

We parents typically don’t realize how often we respond to our children’s negative feelings with reassurance, advice, and rejection or denial of feelings.
 
You’re okay!
But you love school!
Go to your room until you can calm down.
 
Instead we can reflect back to our children the feelings and desires we hear them expressing.
 
Ouch. A scraped knee can really hurt.
It sounds like you’re not feeling like going to school right now.
Are you worried about the flu shot?
 
There are many benefits to empathizing regularly with our children, such as helping them to feel heard and understood, which allows them have a deeper trust in you and also helps them move on from emotional upset to being able to make effective choices. Just as importantly, when we reflect our children’s feelings back to them instead of automatically giving them advice, reassurance, or our own frustration, they learn that describing feelings is an important part of being in relationship with other people. Even more wonderful, they learn to empathize with other people.
 
One of my favorite family stories shows how all the empathizing I did with my children starting before they could even talk really paid off in their relationship with each other. Darwin and Forest are seven and almost five now, but imagine a few years back, four year Darwin and two year old Forest have just been tucked into bed.
 
“Good night, Darwin and Forest. We’ll check on you in five minutes.”
 
Our dog Chana is barking downstairs. Through the monitor I hear this conversation:
 
Forest: “Mine dog bahking!”
Darwin: “Chana’s barking!”
 
These sentences were repeated several times, with increasing enthusiasm. Forest got so excited that by the 4th or 5th repetition he was really shouting.
 
Darwin: “You don’t have to yell.”
Forest: “Hear me.”
A moment of quiet.
Forest, still yelling: “MINE DOG BAHKING!”
Darwin: “Stop saying that.”
Forest: “MINE DOG BAHKING!”
Darwin, yelling too now: “STOP SAYING THAT!”
 
Now Forest’s voice came back to a normal level.
Forest: “Me sad stop saying that. Me so sad.”
Darwin: “Are you sad because Chana is barking or because I said, ‘Stop saying that?’”
Forest: “Me sad ‘Stop saying that.’”
Darwin: “So you’re sad because I said, ‘Stop saying that?’”
Forest: “Yeah.”
Darwin: “Oh.”
 
Both kids got quiet. Forest rolled over in bed. Two minutes later he let out one final, gentle voiced, “Mine dog bahking.”
 
I adore this story because it shows how Forest, at age two, already knew to say his feelings when having a conflict with his brother. Darwin, at age four, already knew to empathize and also clarify his understanding by reflecting Forest’s comments back to him. Both children seemed to hear each other and be able to peacefully move on from the conflict. These are skills that adults often struggle to use even with each other. I was so excited that I quickly wrote down their conversation on a scrap of paper. It helps me to have a reminder that the effort I put into how I talk to my kids really does pay off.

Are you tired of the bickering and hitting, and ready to stop your own yelling, punishing, and taking sides? Siblings Without Rivalry is an eight class parenting series that will help you reduce conflict and generate goodwill among all your children. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is appropriate for parents of single or multiple children. 

A good first step is often to just stay close and observe, ready to intervene more if you think they need your support. Sometimes just the positive presence of a parent or caring adult can inspire kids to listen more and work towards a win-win solution.

You can also try sportscasting, in which you announce a play by play of what’s happening. In my experience, this works exceedingly well for helping toddlers step back and see their conflict from a broader perspective. It can help older kids too, though sometimes they may be annoyed at being spoken about in the third person when they are in the midst of a conflict they care about.

My go to strategy for supporting kids in a verbal disagreement is to do what I do when I am acting as a mediator for adult conflicts: Directly acknowledge each person’s perspective until they can begin to hear one another and start to consider what they want to do going forward. 

On this particular day, I started by observing my kids, but determined relatively quickly that they would benefit from a more active intervention, as I had already seen them have this same disagreement about the newness (or not newness) of these shoes at least one other time. I also noted that they were repeating their words back and forth, and each child’s volume was raising with every utterance, so it didn’t seem like they were headed towards mutual understanding on their own.

I gently, but confidently looked at Darwin, and asked him, “So, Darwin, from your point of view, the shoes definitely still feel new after having them for a month. Is that right?” Both boys got quiet and looked at me. Darwin let out a relieved breath and nodded his head. I turned to look at Forest, and with open hands and an almost smile said to him, “And from your perspective, Forest, having something for a month means it’s really not new anymore.” Forest glanced at Darwin and then looked back at me. “Yeah,” he said emphatically.

It is important to address the person whose perspective you are describing instead of addressing one child and telling him about the other. “Do you feel…?” offers a great deal more respect than, “He feels…”, in part because it invites your child to correct you if your guess is off. In addition, when I say, “Forest, from your point of view the shoes are not new,” it's easier for Darwin to consider Forest's perspective than if I were to say, “Darwin, Forest thinks the shoes are not new,” because there is no pressure on Darwin to accept or understand anything. He can simply be a witness to me acknowledging Forest, and consider for himself what things might be like for his brother.​

Acknowledging their different opinions helped them pause for a moment, but they still weren’t ready to think deeply about what the other was saying. They went back to arguing with heated voices.

Forest said, “So! They’re not new because they’re already a month old!”
“They are new!”
“No, they’re not!”
“Yes, they are!”

At this point I walked over and sat next to them on the floor. Right at their level now, my goal was to project confidence and friendliness as I looked at their faces and repeated the affirmations of each child’s perspective one or two more times. Each time I did, I received head nods or "Yes!" They gradually slowed down and lowered their voices, looking at me and at each other.

Darwin seemed to really be thinking now, and added, “Well, they’re not brand new if you’ve had them for a month.” I reflected this back to him, partly so he knew he was being heard, and partly because I knew that hearing Darwin’s idea in my voice might help Forest process it more easily. I continued to speak to Darwin about Darwin’s idea.

I said, “Aah – so Darwin you’re saying that new can mean a month, and brand new can mean…?” I paused, leaving the question hanging in the air. Forest’s eyes got bright, and he smiled as he finished my sentence.
“… Just a few days!” From here the conversation began to feel like grown up collaborators on a team project, as Darwin piggybacked on Forest’s idea with, “Yeah! Brand new is like you just got them yesterday.”
Forest summarized, “Yeah, yesterday or just a few days ago if they’re brand new.”
And Darwin concluded, looking at Forest with a smile, “And just new if you’ve had them for a month!”
I checked in. “Did you guys figure it out?”
“Yeah.”
“Yep.”

Finally, after this fight-turned-positive-sibling-learning-experience, Darwin told my mom the story he’d been so excited about, and Forest listened supportively. “So Shelly, I got these shoes because I went to the car with bare feet and we didn’t notice until we were really far from Boston. So we got me new shoes at Wal-Mart!”

Are you tired of the bickering and hitting, and ready to stop your own yelling, punishing, and taking sides? Siblings Without Rivalry is an eight class parenting series that will help you reduce conflict and generate goodwill among all your children.